My Grade: C
Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly knew it was time to move on; why hasn’t Disney gotten that memo? I think they couldn’t see the memo through the money signs glistening in their eyes. I guess we shouldn’t be surprised, though. If Johnny Depp wants to be Jack Sparrow again, he gets to. That’s what star power does for you.
Without his two former co-stars, Depp bears the heavy burden of carrying this big budget film on his medium sized shoulders... all two hours and seventeen minutes of it. If anyone can do it, it’s Depp as he brings all of Jack Sparrow’s quirks to life in such an entertaining way that we can’t get enough of it. But two hours is too much Jack. I can only remember a handful of scenes in which Depp isn’t on screen (and they are short scenes). This film is more like Pirates of the Caribbean: The Johnny Depp Show than On Stranger Tides.
Depp gets the good fortune of playing opposite the beautiful Penelope Cruz who certainly adds a heavy dose of gorgeous star power. What she doesn’t add is an interesting antagonist/love interest/seductress/etc. You may think that it is great and exciting that she turns out to be so many things in the film; but I don’t think she even knows what her role is. She plays the swashbuckling Angelica, a former love interest of the infamous Jack Sparrow. She also might be bipolar. She trusts Jack, then she doesn’t; she loves her father, the she thinks he wants to kill her; she is good, then she is bad... it’s a never ending cycle with her. At least we know what the other characters want out of the trip.
Despite what you may think from the paragraphs above, there is something that resembles a story here. You learn from the start that everyone wants to find the Fountain of Youth. Everyone has their own motives (which aren’t always clear) but they all take similar paths. The strange thing is that they all take seemingly random side quests along the way in order to perform some bizarre ritual that some characters are somehow aware of. The biggest mystery, though, is what purpose the B story (involving a mermaid and a missionary) serves. It does add some nice emotional scenes, but it doesn’t affect the A story except for a few instances that seem rather forced. The most interesting and fresh aspect of this film is the B story and it feels tacked on... sad.
I know this review sounds like something that would produce a failing grade or at least a D; however, there are some redeeming factors. First of all, the music is amazing. We all know and love the iconic “Pirates” theme which is constantly played by college bands at football games. Hans Zimmer certainly can compose an exciting score. Also, the costumes and sets are absolutely stunning. The locations are exotic, the sets are huge, and the costumes make us forget that real pirates actually carry automatic machine guns, wear bandanas over their faces, and typically reside in Somalia. Kids don’t dress up as those pirates for Halloween.
Then, of course, there are the always exciting sword fights. Scattered amongst the sword fights are chase scenes where Jack has to escape from whomever is giving chase this time. His escape plans are always creative, usually unexpected, and sometimes downright silly. Silly is bad. I understand that kids are going to see this movie, but when you go from from over-the-top escapes where the bad guys look like they were taken straight from the Three Stooges and move to some very suggestive sexual innuendo... something doesn’t feel right. And speaking of the escapes, deus ex machina anyone?
Overall, Stranger Tides is moderately entertaining with little or no substance. If you want a summer blockbuster popcorn flick, you are much better off going to see X-Men: First Class; but Stranger Tides is more kid friendly for you families out there.
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