World Cup...

U-S-A... U-S-A... U-S-A!!!!

That’s me pretending to like soccer while our US National Mens Soccer Team takes on some other country in the FIFA World Cup. In case you don’t know what the World Cup is (and I don’t blame you because it’s boring), it’s a soccer championship held every four years and it’s a time when Americans stop talking about the more entertaining sports like baseball and football and pretend to enjoy watching soccer. 

Apparently soccer is the biggest sport in the world because the World Cup is basically like the olympics... with only one sport. And, to make it even more ridiculous, they also play soccer at the summer olympic games. So who is the world champion? Is it whomever wins the World Cup or whomever wins in the Olympics? You can’t have two world champions... 

People in America are drawn to the world cup despite the fact that soccer sucks for one reason:  patriotism. It all comes down to the fact that they feel like the only way they can prove that they love their country is to cheer for team USA. It’s the same thing with the Olympics. Nobody turns on the TV to watch people run unless those people are representing their country and another, far inferior, country that they want to obliterate. I doubt anyone turns on the TV when the Olympics aren’t on and say “Man, I wish I could watch someone run and jump as far as they can into some sand right now.” Similarly, I don’t know why anyone would turn on the TV and say “Man, I really wish I could watch some dudes kick a ball around and maybe score once or twice in 90 minutes.” That’s a waste of 90 minutes if you ask me (and by reading this blog, you did ask me).

I would rather watch golf than soccer. Both are horrendously boring but at least the people on the golf course keep their voices down so you can sleep. If you try to sleep to soccer, inevitably, someone will get their one goal for the game and the announcers will obnoxiously yell “GOOOOAAAALLLLL” and people will rip their shirts off and hug each other and the crowd will go wild because someone finally scored. All of that nonsense will awaken you from the slumber induced by the boring “sport.”

I put parenthesis around “sport” because it can end in a tie. What is up with that? Even hockey (which is basically soccer on ice but with fighting which makes it better), can’t end in a tie. Football can during the regular season... but not during the playoffs. And their playoffs are just for a national championship... the World Cup has slightly higher stakes (as is hinted at by the name). No game should be able to end in a tie. Even in chess, “stalemate” shouldn’t be allowed. The two competitors should have to play rock, paper, scissors or do some hard math or something to determine a winner. 

To sum it up... soccer is boring and it’s not okay to pretend that it’s not just because the team has a big USA on their jerseys. Which, by the way, they are not really jerseys... they’re shorts and a t-shirt. The only one with a jersey is the goalie. And he can only use his hands when he’s inside of a little chalk line? If nobody else can use their hands, he shouldn’t be able to. It’s only fair.

That's it for now...